1. First and foremost, you have to give your unequivocal support to war without end. But it has to be in the manly tone of "we could bomb them before they ever knew what hit them" talk. We all remember when John McCain sang songs about bombing Iran. He received cheers and laughter from his voters even though he only mentioned waging war in one country at a time. However, he didn't stress how quickly and effortlessly we could kill other people. That was just one of his many mistakes. Disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, shows us how it's done. On Fox News of course.
VAN SUSTEREN: What would you do about Libya?Say what you want about Fruity Newty, but the man knows how to give a room full of Republicans erections to the ceiling.
GINGRICH: Exercise a no-fly zone this evening. … It’s also an ideological problem. The United States doesn’t need anybody’s permission. We don’t need to have NATO, who frankly, won’t bring much to the fight. We don’t need to have the United Nations. All we have to say is that we think that slaughtering your own citizens is unacceptable and that we’re intervening. And we don’t have to send troops. All we have to do is suppress his air force, which we could do in minutes.
2. Next you have to routinely talk about how great Reagan was. This is an important one. You can't just casually mention this one like you can the war talk. This is one that has to be repeated daily. And if you're Sarah Palin, you put it in every other sentence. I can't stress enough how important this one is.
3. This one coincides with #2. You have to talk endlessly about shrinking government, reining in the deficit and cutting the budget-- you know, all the things Reagan didn't do but Republicans think he did. It's impossible to mention shrinking government without mentioning Reagan, and vice versa. You don't have to give any specifics on this. You merely have to lip sync that you will, if elected, shrink government, cut spending and balance the budget. Don't waste a lot of time on this one. Much thought is not required. Just say it and move on. [To point 4 if you're smart]
4. You have to give a shout out to the tea baggers. This is mandatory, no questions asked nor is there any room for hesitation. Tea baggers are the only motivated faction of the GOP. They have to be catered and it helps to mention points 1, 2, and 3 when conversing with them about such thing like the right to bear arms being granted to us by God.
5. This last one can get tricky. You have to be able to talk about Restoring America. The restoration can be about restoring America to the society the Founders envisioned, or it can be about the shining city upon a hill Reagan (extra points for knocking out two items in one shot) mentioned. Or it can simply be about returning America back to the 19th century-- when minorities were largely disenfranchised and women were second-class citizens. If you're smart, you'll summarize this one into a short paragraph about repealing constitutional amendments that helped progress America. Just don't forget to add that those amendments progressed us into an immoral liberal bastion full of activist judges without penises.
There you have it. If you can master these five items you are almost guaranteed a shot at the Republican ticket. The elite ruling class of Republicans can squeeze all five into one short 30-second sound bite. Or n 2 a twtter post. The best thing to do, though, is to go on Fox News where you will be given free access to unlimited and uninterrupted airtime to get the word out to your voters. Just remember, if you dare mention reality while there you probably won't be invited back.
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